The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
You discover it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Potatoes cook underground. All you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
Chickens are laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The Baptists have started sprinkling.
The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth.
The Presbyterians are giving rain checks.
The Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.
The Mormons going door to door wearing tank tops
The Muslims are wearing towels around their waist.
STAY COOL!

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted  at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.   
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.   
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.   
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the  memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! 

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced tenty one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
19. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
20. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. OK So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea. Does that mean that one enjoys it?

If Daddy dies, we'll be in Heaven.
I'll take Police Brutality for $20 million Alex.
Brides thoughts at a wedding: Aisle, Alter, Hymm.
Law of Thermodynamics:  Everything gets worse under pressure
Congressmen should have a two term limit: 1 in office, 1 in jail.
Statistical fact : Half of all marriages end in divorce. The other half end in death.
Physics: Stress = unit of force per unit area. People: Stress = To force of physics on people.
Mob Restaurant Menu Item : Blackened Bluefish, well battered